How to Love Yourself Unconditionally

By: Michelle S. Fondin

     About ten times a day, I see my cat, Luna, and I say the following to her with the enthusiasm of a person who has just won the jackpot lottery, “Oh my goodness! You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Mommy loves you so much. I love you so much, Luna. You are such a wonderful cat! You are so beautiful! Mommy loves you. Do you know how much I love you?” While I say this, I’m scratching her neck and petting her silky black fur. Luna, who has done little to deserve this unbridled love, receives it with pleasure. She receives it with so much joy that, at times, she gets annoyed with me. It’s as if she’s saying, “Okay, okay, Mom, I get it. You love me. Now, let me get on with my nap.”

     Whether you have a pet or child, the outpouring of unconditional love usually proceeds similarly. The enthusiastic affection is received, and then the pet or child moves along their merry way to another endeavor. The great thing about this love for your pet or child is that they know, on some level, that your love runs so deep that if they do something wrong, you are likely to forgive them quickly and move on to enthusiastically loving them once again.

That doesn’t necessarily track when it comes to loving ourselves.

     Self-love is a newer mainstream term used in articles, videos, and even advertising. While the intent may be to point us in the right direction, I don’t believe many people understand the fullness of what self-love entails.

     I believe that the love described in my opening paragraph outlines the kind of love you must give yourself daily. Upon this realization, I have only come to practice this fully in recent months.

     A couple of months ago, I awoke to the fact that I was unhappy with my gym. I had moved from a more expensive gym to a basement bargain gym with the philosophy that I could save some money. Yet, for me, the gym is my sacred space. I go to the gym daily and spend a couple of hours there each time. My bargain gym had most of the amenities I needed to workout, but the vibe wasn’t right. Because it costs just a few dollars a month to join, many homeless people use it as their home during daytime hours. Seeing the lowered living conditions in a place of business didn’t make me feel good. At one point, the gym had issues with people shooting up drugs in the bathroom and trashing the facilities. In my dissatisfaction, I visited other neighboring gyms, but none were truly what I wanted. Then finally, a couple of months ago, I hit the breaking point and decided to visit a couple of higher-end gyms, even though they were a little further from my home. When I visited the gym, I now attend, I felt at home. The vibe felt good, and all the customers seemed to have a singular purpose: to get fit and be the best version of themselves they could be.

     In reasoning with myself to accept this much higher price point, it dawned on me that if this expenditure was for one of my kids, I would not bat an eye. I would immediately invest in their future. So why have I been conditioned not to do this for myself? I believe it’s because we have been conditioned to do for others and not ourselves. Making sure we get what we want in a precise manner makes us selfish according to society, our families, friends, or colleagues. But if we spend the money on our kids or pets, it seems justified.

     Loving yourself with less than you deserve makes you feel deprived. When you feel deprived, a whole host of negative emotions erupt. Deprived people feel jealous, competitive, catty, and judgmental. If you could muster up the courage to give yourself what you want, like you would give it to your child or pet, I assure you that the satisfaction will diminish negative feelings toward yourself and others.

     If you have children, what happens when a small child feels deprived? They tend to whine and complain, and when their needs go unfulfilled, they may scream or cry. They know that deprivation feels uncomfortable.

     You also have a small child within you who whines, complains, screams, and cries when it’s not fulfilled. But you have learned to tune it out and ignore its pleas for happiness and fulfillment.

     Now, let’s talk about your feeling of deserving unconditional love. Typically, We will only rise to what we think we deserve no matter what we wish or how we wish to be treated. If you look at yourself in the mirror (as I have done thousands of times in the past), and say, “Ugh, oh God, look at my huge thighs and all of this cellulite, yuck!” As you turn away in disgust, you innately say, “I don’t deserve unconditional love. Heck, it would be a miracle that some man might love me with this body.”

     Even if you love your thighs and body, you might do this about other aspects of your personality or life. You might be disappointed in yourself for never getting your college degree, for marrying that jerk when you were twenty, or for overspending monthly.

Each time you love yourself less for who you are, you diminish your willingness to accept unconditional love.

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, says the following, “How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is a thousand times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves…every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.”

     Now, imagine you have made thousands of mistakes in your life. Each one has made you feel unworthy. Your sense of unworthiness makes you think that you can’t be loved completely. But what if you decided to forgive yourself for all of your past mistakes and love yourself for all of your imperfections? How would that change the game of your life?

     So many of us want love, wealth, and happiness. Yet, if we don’t believe we deserve these things, as they come near, we will reject them. It will happen every time unless you change your belief system to know you deserve unconditional love. But it must come from yourself first.

      Upon the realization that I treat my cat better than myself, in some cases, I started a new ritual. I still pour out my immense feelings of love and happiness toward Luna ten times daily. But now, right after, I point a finger toward my heart and say the same things to myself with the same amount of enthusiasm. I say, “Michelle, I love you so much. Oh, yes, I love you so much. You are so beautiful and wonderful and I love you so, so much!”

     Did it feel weird at first? Absolutely! But after a few days, I extended it to saying “I love you” to myself when I’m doing difficult things, such as lifting heavy weights at the gym. It has helped tremendously with self-acceptance. It has also helped me to be easier on myself.

     Like my love for Luna (and my kids, who are now grown), I know I don’t need to do or be anything to deserve unconditional love. I know that I just deserve it. I deserve unconditional love because I am. And that is the most powerful realization that one can have in this lifetime.